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“I first met Sir Alex, or Al as I call him, around about February 1995,” explained Garnier to Wunderground earlier. “My good friend Eric Cantona had just been banned from football for justifiably doing what a lot of us would like to do by kicking a Crystal Palace fan in the face and during the time he spent away from football himself and Al became regulars at The Haçienda where I was DJing regularly.”

“I remember the very first time I met him, we hadn’t even been introduced when he came over to me popped a pill in my hand and said ‘get that wee mad bastard down your neck son’ while chewing a combination of chewing gum, bloodied cheek lining and his own teeth,” recounted Garnier. “We hit it off straight away and became great friends,” continued a reminiscent Garnier while looking up to indicate that he was reminiscing. “Even after Eric’s ban was over and he wasn’t able to go clubbing anymore myself and Al were still out nearly every weekend.”

“It was almost as if he didn’t give a fuck about the football because he’d often go straight from a party or a nightclub to Old Trafford on a Saturday morning and still manage to grind out results. I guess it’s a testament to the man’s talents,” offered Garnier.

“I remember one time he was going to play a match away to Southampton, I think it was in 1996. Anyway we’d been up all night at a warehouse party and Al decided to swallow two micro dots, the strongest acid known to man, right before he got onto the team bus,” recounted Garnier. “Things didn’t go too well for them that day. He made the team wear a nasty grey strip and they were three nil down at half time

 

 

“According to Cantona, when the team went into the dressing room at half time they found Al totally off his head, running around bollock naked with Steve Bruce’s underpants on his head shouting ‘Fuck you Liverpool. You’ll never take me alive,'” he continued. “Nobody knew what to do so they locked him in the kit bag, changed their jerseys and went back out and lost three one. Those were great times.”

 

“In 1998 I made a bet with Al that he couldn’t win the treble the following season,” revealed Garnier. “If I won he was going to give me a years contract as a professional footballer and if he won I told him I’d write a song about him. I was seconds away from realising one of my dreams by becoming a footballer but then that little baby faced prick Solskjær stuck out a leg and ruined everything by scoring a winning goal in the Champions League final.”

 

 

“I started work on The Man With The Red Face straight away, using a portrait of Al shouting at David Elleray for inspiration,” he concluded tearfully, “and I’ve considered it my finest work ever since.”

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